Settled

I’m currently feeling:
Inconsequential.

My thoughts creating this feeling:
It Valentine’s Day. We are one of those couples who mark the occassion. I wouldn’t say we celebrate it, more that we “do” it as far as cards, chocolates, flowers and dinner out. I guess more out of habit and expectation now than any romantic gesture or declaration of love. God knows he doesn’t do that. However, today so far, it seems tinged with annoyance. There are no roses this year. Card and chocolates were begrudingly exchanged over an arguement about coffee. Not even opened the card or said thank you. Either of us. I know we’re going out to dinner later but don’t know where. However, at the moment it feels like a placation device. He’ll spend most of his time on the phone. We’ll barely talk and it will not be a fun filled evening at all. This is the first time I’ve ever felt this uneasy about it. I’m actually crying writing this. He’s on his phone.

My desired feeling:
Settled.

My thoughts creating this feeling:
Even if it’s not all flowers and love, I’d at least like some acknowledgment. I don’t want to spend all day thinking he’s in a bad nood and we’re going to have an uncomfortable evening. Luckily I have a busy day ahead so not much time to wallow in it.

I’ll show up on purpose in my dress, body language and presentation by:
Thought I’d at least put some effort in here. Dark green, short, low cut wrap dress with black tights. Gold Tiffany heart earrings and necklace he bought me for our 10th wedding anniversary in New York. Wasted. No acknowledgment, no comment. Nothing. Guess I’ll dress up just for me then.

I will show up for myself by:
Holding my mind in check and not let it get to me. Hold all those self doubt phrases at bay.

I will show up for my extraordinary goal by:
Drawing up webpages for the CC AGM and Bell Sunday activities.

I will upgrade my surroundings by:
Lunchtime walk to clear my head.

Today I am:
Upset.

Today I am grateful for:
Going to work. At least that will put some distance between us for the day and let him get over it. I’ll give myself a talking to as well.