Resignment

I’m currently feeling:
Amazed.

My thoughts creating this feeling:
Amazed at how a body can do a full 360 from being in excruciating pain to perfectly fine in the space of a few hours. Everything was fine when I got up. I got showered, dressed and sat down to write my journal and drink my coffee when the most excruciating pain suddenly came on in my abdomen. It was like I was being stabbed at my side. I suddenly went burning hot and sweat literally was running down my back, face, arms and legs. I felt like I wanted to be sick but nothing happened. The most I could manage was a mouthful of bile. This went on for about half an hour to the point I’d stripped off again because I was burning hot. C was in the shower and R still in bed. When C came out of the bathroom he said I didn’t look well and decided I must be constipated. I don’t know how he could possibly come to that conclusion as I couldn’t speak and he’s not a doctor! Anyway, bizarrely the symptoms seemed to abate and the pain moved further round the side and was more like a severley pulled muscle. I then went from being burning hot to feeling ice cold with goose bumps. By the time we’d got into London the pain had almost completely gone and I was back to a normal temperature.

I also noticed throughout the day my eyes didn’t water at all. I generally suffer from very watery eyes, particularly the left eye. Doesn’t matter if it’s dry, wet, sunny, windy or anything else in between, when I go outside, my eyes start watering. A lot! For some reason yesterday they didn’t. And it was a blessed relief for once. I always look like I’m crying and then my nose starts running and it looks like I’m snivelling. Yesterday, none of that. It was quite liberating. But very odd!

Other amazing things happened yesterday as we watched Kurios by Cirque du Soliel. It’s a very different show to anything we’d ever seen before and was totally enthralling. Incredible acrobatics, trampolining, aerial feats. A couple of times it looked like something dramatic might happen and someone fall or be unbalanced but each time it was recovered. Difficult to tell if it was all part of the suspense of the show and good acting, or genuinely someone was about to fall. It was all incredibly safely done, wires at height, colleagues ready to catch and trampolinists ready to stop the bounce if it got out of hand. All very cleverly done. We stopped for dinner at Carluccio’s on Kensington High Street before heading for trains home and saying goodbye to R.

My desired feeling:
Resignment.

My thoughts creating this feeling:
I am now resigned to the fact I’m in the full throws of menopause. Having had conversations recently where I’d claimed I was still regular as clockwork, I haven’t had a period at all this month. It should have happened two Creeks ago if it was going to. The difficulty being is to understand if it’s suddenly going to arrive, late, or not at all. And maybe yesterday’s pain was connected, or was it connected to the increase in dosage my GP gave me for my BP pills? I did look up the symptoms of kidney stones and I’ll be honest, it sounded similar to what I was feeling. Anyway, I’m resigning myself to menopause, and will not let it get the better of me.

I am also following through on resigning from my various voluntary positions as today will be my last Trustees meeting. I will still have the role until May but its the last pre AGM meeting I’d have to go to. Looking forward to just sitting there watching it all implode then walk away!

I’ll show up on purpose in my dress, body language and presentation by:
Mooching around and sitting in a meeting all afternoon, so want to be warm and comfortable. Dark green jeans and a fleecy three toned cowl necked jumper. Gibraltar bracelet, my new necklace bought on Thursday, and diamond stud earrings. Comfortable, cosy and relaxed.

I will show up for myself by:
Not getting wound up at this afternoon’s meeting. Going to let it flow over me and walk away. Those people who usually trigger me at these meetings can do me further harm, that I’l know about. What they do behind my back when I’m gone says more about them than me.

I will upgrade my surroundings by:
Popping unto town this morning whilst C is on a call and finding something for his birthday next week. He doesn’t want anything and he’s awkward to buy for, so I’ll probably end up getting chocolates or something trivial.

Today I am:
In a good place.

Today I am grateful for:
A fabulous day out yesterday, despite the dodgy start. The week we’ve had with R home, spending time together, reconnecting and hearing all her travel plans for solo trips to Scotland in April and other places she wants to visit.