Collected

I’m currently feeling:
Worried.

My thoughts creating this feeling:
Not to the point of despair but concerned. My dad was in for a colonoscopy yesterday. He’s not been right since Christmas when he collapsed at J’s. Then went down with Covid that wiped him out. Then he’s been having IBS symptoms for a while and ignoring it, saying it’s an after effect of his Covid. I got a WhatsApp message from my oldest sister T, who was with him and mum, asking if I was at work, all in CAPS. I replied to say I was at a different site. She’d also contacted C demanding to know where I was. After a while she replied, in lower case, that I needed to phone mum. I then got a message from C to say she’d been round the house and I needed to phone num. So, I video called mum, who was clearly having a nap as she took ages to answer and was sat in the dark. Transpires dad’s been diagnosed with a cancerous growth above the rectum. I asked a tonne of questions, she seemed to answer ok and dad was upstairs having a snooze.

Later in the early evening I got another message from T checking on whether I’d spoken to mum yet, and how was I feeling, and how worried she was about our other sister, J. I don’t know how much she does or doesn’t know about J’s issues, so I played it cagey. She came back with enough info, but I replied saying I see J every week, know she’s getting medical and psychological assistance. That seemed to shut T up. I did then message J to see if she was ok. She’d had her psychiatrist assessment today and had been diagnosed with PTSD. She was in no fit state to deal with T or mum, particularly. I did offer to call her but we were about to have dinner so it wouldn’t be until ather 8pm. She said she was too tired and struggling too much with everything so would rather not that late. I said thats fine, I’ll logon early to our weekly call the following day if she wants to talk then.

So it’s all kicking off. One parent waiting scans and treatment options, the other worrying. One sister in melodramatic mode, the other having her own issues and nothing from my brother. In the meantime, I’m actually feeling quite calm about it. Dad is in the system. He’ll have some more tests and scans then they’ll decide treatment. No point overly fussing at this stage until we know the extent of it. I don’t know whether that makes me practical, stoic, or cold hearted, if I’m not wailing and rushing around shouting it from the treetops. I’m not really a “woe is me” sort.

My desired feeling:
Collected.

My thoughts creating this feeling:
Nobody needs hysteria. T is prone to be melodramatic and turn it somehow to her, and how tragic it is for her, when its not actually happening to her. To be honest, I’m more annoyed at the tone of her messages, and the fact that knowing I wasn’t home, still went round and told C everything, so he knew before I did. I’m not annoyed that he knows, but that T is telling everyone when its not her news to share. Anyway, I have things to do today that aren’t going to change that particular scenario, so will carry on. I’ll tell R about her grandad when she visits over the weekend.

I‘ll show up on purpose in my dress, body language and presentation by:
Doing a site visit and walk around CCCBR venues today, and it’s a but damp out. Black jeans and beige soft jumper. Boots and waterproof coat. Gibraltar bracelet, birthstones necklace and diamond stud earrings. Comfortable, practical, no nonsense.

I will show up for myself by:
Picking up my prescription before we head out for the day. I need to do another round of BP monitoring, which isn’t being helped by latest developments. I do have a bit of a headache this morning.

I will upgrade my surroundings by:
Walking around different venues in Ipswich. I used to live there for a while, so it will be good to see some of the sites again. There’s the meeting Venue and several churches where different events will take place. C is coming along as official photographer.

I will show up for my extra ordinary goal by:
Finding out about the meeting venue and asking questions about car parking, livestreaming capabilities, housekeeping and other things we need to know about. Making notes about each venue and getting C to take certain photo’s for the programme.

Today I am:
Keeping busy.

Today I am grateful for:
Colleagues at work who I know will look after dad and take him though the process. Whilst I would never recommend it as a place to work, I know clinical colleagues are ultimate professionals and will provide the right treatment plan for him when they know what they are dealing with.