Calm

I’m currently feeling:
Apprehensive.

My thoughts creating this feeling:
Today is family gathering day. One of the twice yearly times my siblings, offspring and parents get together. We’ve been doing this for decades. Its always in May because all 3 of my siblings were born then. I was born in February. Every year its let’s make a big thing about the May birthdays. Last year, I nearly walked out. The event was held at my brothers for a change. I know for a fact he sent both my sisters flowers for their birthdays, the same as he did for me. However, as we gathered around the dining table, he produced more gifts for the two of them. I believe I did actually say something loud enough for everyone to hear along the lines of “Oh wow, literally excluded because I wasn’t born in May. Thanks!” Every year I make a birthday care for the person whose birthday is nearest the event. I never get a thank you but I know there’d be hell if I didn’t bring one. This year I have made one but put very little effort into it. In fact, it’s quite embarrassing how bad it is. It’ll taste good but it looks like a child has thrown it together.

Anyway, I’ve organised the meal at a pub, put through a pre-order, done cards with what everyone ordered on as I know they’ll all have forgotten. Got cake ready to go, and a bag of books for one of my sisters. There’ll be a couple of hours of stilted conversation, food, then the inevitable dilemna of sorting the bill. Then back to HQ for rancid coffee and a lump of cake.

At least I have an excuse for getting back home before 7.30pm for a meeting! Then it’ll be done until Christmas.

My desired feeling:
Calm.

My thoughts creating this feeling:
I’m sure it’ll be fine, tolerable at least. I just find it so hard to engage with most of them as they are all so self absorbed. They’re not interested in the world around them or what might be happening in someone else’s world. Its only for a few hours and I have C and R with me.

I‘ll show up on purpose in my dress, body language and presentation by:
Elevated casual. Grey jeans with a sage green silk blouse. Gold cuff bracelet, multistone hoop necklace and gold hoop earrings. Not too over the top it scares everyone else. I do need to be more comfortable in dressing for me rather than worrying what everyone else thinks, but this lot isn’t ready for that yet. My mother already thinks I’m having a mid-life crisis.

I will show up for myself by:
Going through the day as politely and positively as I can. Remembering its only a few hours out of my life.

I will upgrade my surroundings by:
Regardless, I know the food at the pub will be very good, so at least I’ll have a nice meal out. And I have C and R.

I will show up for my extra ordinary goal by:
Meeting this evening as part of the future plans consultation. I’ve not actually read the pre-reading yet but can whizz through that quickly beforehand.

Today I am:
Dealing with it.

Today I am grateful for:
R coming home for the weekend. She arrived last night and was quite chatty about her Edinburgh holiday. She had some dinner we’d prepared for her and slowed us save photos she’d taken. She’ll be here until Sunday afternoon.