Nonchalant

I’m currently feeling:
Frustrated

My thoughts creating this feeling:
A win at the striking competition yesterday. And managed to sort out the access for the news Comms Officer to the facebook group. I did start the day annoyed with C. We picked someone up enroute to the competition and they spent a lot of time chatting, positively excluding me from the conversation. Even when I was asked a direct question, he answered before I could. She even specifically asked if he was around for some ringing she wants to organise in September. Not if we were both around, or one or other of us. When we arrived at the carpark he walked to the church with this other person, almost as if they were a couple. I was left trailing behind. At several points when we were standing around chatting in groups, he stood with her instead of me. At one point I decided I wanted to walk up to the shops to look around. He did decide he would come too, but then walked ahead of me so didn’t see when I was looking in a shop window, so I had to call out ather him. I made a point of going and finding something to buy, just because. Later I was talking with someone else and discussing the way forward about what to do about something, and he started joining in when he doesn’t even know what I’m intending to do about it. All they way have they were chatting about anything and nothing. He never does that with me. .

My desired feeling:
Nonchalant.

My thoughts creating this feeling:
I want to not care if C doesn’t want to talk to me, and talks to other women. I’m not jealous of them, I’m fairly secure in our marriage, he’s not the sort, trouble is I don’t trust some ofthe women who flirt round him, as they’ve all been ones that have had affairs or marriede several times. I’m more botored by how he is like around other woman, when he’s no longer like that with me. We used to talk, we used to flirt, we used to hold hands and kiss and hug in public. Now I barely get an acknowledgment in the privacy of our own home let alone in public. We’ve been together 30years, so the shire has worn off and I’m not the person I used to be then either. I’m much more serious and unexciting, but I think a lot of that is because he’s dragged the fun out of me. He takes over everything. I want to not care and just get on with my life.

I‘ll show up on purpose in my dress, body language and presentation by:
More ringing today, so sticking with the cropped jears. Bright peach coloured tshirt. Gibraltar bracelet, nmultistone hoop necklace and diamond stud earrings.

I will show up for myself by:
Not caring who C is chatting with today and just be myself. Food prep and weekly planning to do when we get back.

I will upgrade my surroundings by:
District picnic today on the Terling church green, hopefully the weather will stay kind, although there’s a threat of rain this afternoon. Then we have a quarter peal attempt at Kelvedon.

I will show up for my extra ordinary goal by:
Booking the next PR workgroup meeting. Need to get it in the diary soon.

Today I am:
Not caring.

Today I am grateful for:
Having my own back. Having things I can do, and attitudes I can foster that get me through times when I’m feeling low or unloved. I choose not to feel belittled.