Qualified

I’m currently feeling:
Frustrated.

My thoughts creating this feeling:
For some reason I got very emotional and upset early yesterday morning. I don’t know whether its just hormones, or tiredness or lonliness (yes that’s possible even when you’re in a relationship) or a sense of feeling unloved and like a house mate rather than a wife. We’ve had 3 weekends in a row where we’ve been away from home, and in places where C’s exwife was also been there. Last weekend was worse as we were in the closest proximity and had her sisters there as well. Then on the Sunday, there was a point where we were all walking to ringing together and C had me on one side and her on the other. I really don’t know what he thinks or feels in these scenarios. Does he get some kind of kick out of it, is he worried we’ll have a showdown, does he still have feelings for her, or what. I don’t know and he doesn’t talk about it. One thing I noticed the previous weekend was how relaxed and chatty he was sometimes around her, then didn’t speak a word to me. I also noticed he now has not only a lock on his phone, we all do so no biggy there, but also another lock on Whatsapp. Why? Whats he got to hide? He always angles his phone away from me so I can’t see the screen. I know next week they are both ringing together as part of a band ringing in memory of a friend who died. To get to the venue C will need to drive close by where she lives. I really wouldn’t put it passed her to ask her a lift. And he, being Mr Nice Guy will oblige. I don’t want her in my seat in our car. I don’t want her anywhere near. Unfortunately, it’s really hard to talk to C about these things because he’s emotionally closed off. Never expresses feelings, other than occasional annoyance. Sometimes he does register that I’m not happy but generally ignores it and mostly just doesn’t notice, or care. When I’ve tried to talk or ask questions in the past, he dismisses it and shuts off completely. Very rarely has an opportunity arisen to be able to tentively ask a question but I might get a short, sharp answer to it and no chance to follow up or have a full conversation about it.

For some reason I got upset yesterday morning and allowed my emotions get the better of me in front of a colleague,  who was lovely about it, but couldn’t really see the full picture.

My desired feeling:
Qualified.

My thoughts creating this feeling:
I have my Prince 2 Practitioner exam resit this afternoon. I have the day off to revise, with the exam scheduled for 3pm. I’m a bit nervous about it because I don’t want to fail again, and look a complete idiot when I have to admit it the colleagues. I feel quite calm about it at the moment and will take my time getting everything set up on my laptop again. Then I’ll work through some past papers and go through the book. At least it’s an open book exam and I’ll know straight away if I’ve passed or not. Fingers crossed this time.

I‘ll show up on purpose in my dress, body language and presentation by:
A day at home so comfortable, yet sexy edge. Jeans and a navy off the shoulder top. Gibraltar bracelet, long chain necklace and diamond hoop earrings. First time in a while I’ve been able to bare some flesh.

I will show up for myself by:
Make good use of revision time and allow plenty of time for  the onboarding process, which I remember was a bit of an issue last time.

I will upgrade my surroundings by:
I will need to clear my desk and show it to the proctor so a good opportunity to tidy up.

I will show up for my extra ordinary goal by:
Sign off the AGM weekend programme so it can go to the printers.

Today I am:
Quiet.

Today I am grateful for:
My colleague, who wasn’t expecting me, of all people, to have a bit of a meltdown yesterday. They only popped into say hello, then the floodgates opened. They were very kind and listened, even though there was nothing they could do to actually help.