Distant

I’m currently feeling
Distant.

My thoughts creating this feeling:
When I went to bed last night I was warm, soft, pliable, ready and horny as hell. C arrived and we had the usual perfunctory kiss goodnight, then he turned his back on me. I went in for the spooning, I stroked his chest, pushed my breasts into his back, got right in close and kissed his shoulder. He held my arm well away from his cock. He never lets me touch it these days. After a few minutes he huffed and removed my arm from around his chest, then turned to lay on his stomach. A sure sign of not interested. That act of physically removing my arm really emotionally hurt. I thought “sod it then, if you don’t want it, you won’t get it” I moved as far away from him as I possibly could. None of this affects him in the slightest. Within minutes, he’s snoring softly, while I’m still reeling and now wide awake and crying. I had a fitful night and clearly the pheromone perfume doesn’t work on him! When I woke up early this morning, I decided that if he didn’t want me last night, he won’t have me this morning. I stayed way over my side of the bed. If he wants to touch he’ll have to come to me. He did come over to spoon me, but only really putting an arm around, nothing connected. As we wake up, generally we’ll cuddle a while before getting up. He raised his arm over my head, the usual indicator for me to cuddle in, but I just laid there on my back staring at the ceiling. He tried playing footsie, but I didn’t respond. If he wants me today, he’s going to have to make the moves. I won’t deny him if he does, but he needs to instigate.

My extraordinary goal for the year is…
To be financially savvy again. Planning for early retirement by getting back on track with understanding my savings, investments and pensions.

What result will I produce this month?
I will start to spend a bit on christmas now, but only on things for other people.

My tasks for the day is…
We’re going to Costco this morning. Mainly food shop but I want to see if they sell kettlebells and massage oil. I have a couple of actions to get done, then I want to get the winter wardrobe out and start swapping summer and winter clothes over. A JWW. Then we have the rest of the day to read and chill out.

What thoughts are holding me back?
My love language is physical touch. I like to touch and be touched. I like multiple sensations at the same time. When someone tums away and physically removes me from them, it hurts inside. Then I go into overdrive demonstrating what they could have had. Maybe that’s me being desparate for any kind of affection.

What thought will I practice instead?
C’s love language is acts of service. He does practical things for me all the time. He cooks, cleans, does the shopping and laundry, fixes my car etc. That’s all well and good, and I appreciate all he does for me. But I need to be touched. I don’t want to be mean to him, and I won’t deny him anything when he does eventually grant me something.

What can I remove, elevate, upgrade or add to my style to embody my future self?
All guns blazing this morning. Black jeans and white, gaping wrap jumper. Underneath I’m wearing sparkling white diamante bra and panties, the sort that should be seen. I’ve not tied the wrap up particularly tightly so it gapes, showing off the bra and my breasts. Oliver Bonus necklace that the pendant reaches the middle of the bra and nestles between my breasts. Milina earrings, long dangling. Everything pointing to the girls on display.

What can I remove, elevate, upgrade or add to align with my future self’s environment?
I’m hoping to sort the wardrobes out and get winter clothes sorted. It’ll be like shopping all over again, as I bought so much new shift last year, I can barely remember what I’ve got.

What am I excited to practice and improve?
Sensuality. Sexiness. Drive.

My progress and my blessings
We have nowhere, apart from Costco, to be today which means I can dress how I please. It means I can get the girls out, flaunt my sexuality umashamidly. I dress for myself and today I want myself to be daring.

What do I declare myself to be today?
Promiscuous.

What questions can I ask of myself today?
How can I exude sexuality without being slutty? How can I get C to notice what he missed out on?

What words of encouragement, insight, wisdom or humour does my future self have for me today?
He’ll get there eventually. He’s not as sexually available, experienced or experimental as I am. Give him time and space.