Ashamed

I’m currently feeling
Ashamed.

My thoughts creating this feeling:
So, the sex saga continues. Monday night I woke up to C doing some DIY in the middle of the night. Last night we did actually start the process. He’s always good at ensuring I’m satisfied first before he gets involved. The issue is that he no longer lets me touch him. He seemed to struggle to get hard enough to enter. We were at it for ages, charging positions, me concentrating on pelvic floor squeezes to help him feel his way. In the end we gave up and lay cuddling, him still inside me. I felt overwhelming shame that I couldn’t even get my husband hard enough to come. Is he that disgusted by having sex with me he’d rather DIY when he thinks I’m sleeping, than be physically intimate with me? As we lay there cuddled up and him still in me I started to cry. A lot. To be fair, he would usually fairly quickly dismount and turn over to go to sleep, but he held on to me while I cried. Neither of us said a word. When we did disengage I went to the bathroom and cried out all I had left. When I got back to bed, he did hold me for a while longer before turning over and going to sleep in about 2 minutes. I lay awake for a while wondering if that’s it as far as our intimacy will get now.

My extraordinary goal for the year is…
To be financially savvy again. Planning for early retirement by getting back on track with understanding my savings, investments and pensions.

What result will I produce this month?
Login to my M&G pension account to see what that status is. Also request an NHS Pension forecast.

My tasks for the day is…
Southend main site for a very short meeting. I’ll find somewhere to sit and work for a while before finding the appropriate time to come home. A couple of calls this afternoon. It will be useful being home promptly so I can do an early JWW as I have a meeting at 7pm.

What thoughts are holding me back? 
Is it me who is the problem not being able to get C aroused enough? Is it his age, or lack of interest? Am I destined never to have intimacy, or sex again? Who is he thinking about when he does DIY?

What thought will I practice instead?
My body works perfectly well. He pushes me away when I go to touch him. He doesn’t want to be intimate. I am still a very sexual being.

What can I remove, elevate, upgrade or add to my style to embody my future self?
Navy wide legged, high waisted trousers. Navy wrap top which is very low cut. Wearing quarter cup bra so opportunity for girls on show. Gibraltar bracelet, sapphire and diamond matching earnings and necklace. Classic. Chic. Sexy.

What can I remove, elevate, upgrade or add to align with my future self’s environment?
Drive to Southend. I quite like driving it gives me time and space to collect my thoughts and switch off. Not sure where I’m going to sit for the rest of the day as the office I used to go to is no longer there.

What am I excited to practice and improve?
Self forgiveness. Not my fault if C can’t get it up.

My progress and my blessings
I can dress and act and be sexy and if it doesn’t land with C, I’m doing it to make myself feel better.

What do I declare myself to be today?
Embarrassed.

What questions can I ask of myself today?
What would I need to do to get more intimacy in our relationship? How can I stop feeling like it’s my fault there’s no intimacy when I give and am ready to receive it?

What words of encouragement, insight, wisdom or humour does my future self have for me today?
Stop wallowing. If he can’t get it up it’s him that should be embarrassed not me.